WRITING
ABBA
It’s true I met ABBA once
Not all of them, only 50%
50% of ABBA
That’s roughly half.
The women were absent
Intentionally
So it was 100% the men of ABBA
Virtuoso, unapologetic beards
Beards that could tell a thousand stories in a whisper
Beards that crafted songs that remain timeless masterpieces
Songs of Napoleonic surrender
Songs of basic French
Songs that have influenced the worlds weather systems for decades, according to certain meteorologists
I met Bjorn (Swedish for Brian)
He advised me NOT to try and write a ‘Hit’
But instead try to write great songs, which may become ‘Hits’
Secretly I thought to myself
“I’m going to do neither”
I had a photo taken with him and a girl that I’d literally just met
I later cropped her out using technology
Just me and Bjorn in an awkward embrace, and a bit of the girl’s hair remaining on Bjorn’s shoulder
Not all of them, only 50%
50% of ABBA
That’s roughly half.
The women were absent
Intentionally
So it was 100% the men of ABBA
Virtuoso, unapologetic beards
Beards that could tell a thousand stories in a whisper
Beards that crafted songs that remain timeless masterpieces
Songs of Napoleonic surrender
Songs of basic French
Songs that have influenced the worlds weather systems for decades, according to certain meteorologists
I met Bjorn (Swedish for Brian)
He advised me NOT to try and write a ‘Hit’
But instead try to write great songs, which may become ‘Hits’
Secretly I thought to myself
“I’m going to do neither”
I had a photo taken with him and a girl that I’d literally just met
I later cropped her out using technology
Just me and Bjorn in an awkward embrace, and a bit of the girl’s hair remaining on Bjorn’s shoulder
Dark Art
Marmite is a dark art.
It has a distinctive taste and people who eat it describe it as
‘savoury dog oil’,
'the sap of the dog’
and 'dog treacle’
Spreading it on toast is a relatively new phenomenon as Marmite was originally used to oil the rusty fingers of chess players.
Chess is a dating game. A really boring dating game, which guarantees no further dates.
It has a distinctive taste and people who eat it describe it as
‘savoury dog oil’,
'the sap of the dog’
and 'dog treacle’
Spreading it on toast is a relatively new phenomenon as Marmite was originally used to oil the rusty fingers of chess players.
Chess is a dating game. A really boring dating game, which guarantees no further dates.
40.
I’m going to go on the TV show The Voice
But im not going to take my whole body
Just my head
The stage manager Toby wasn’t sure at first
But when I have my lipstick on you don’t notice the lack of arms and legs as much
I’m going to sing a song about being wiser and finding myself
It will be more poignant as my body isn’t there
People gasp as I am carried onto the stage and heavy silence falls as I look out into the crowd
A nervous first breath and then I start to sing
The moustache is audible. I nod my head from side to side and raise my eyebrows.
I miss the high notes repeatedly and the song is exclusively high notes.
Falsetto tumbles down and breaks into a bassy rumble
The crowd are on my side though, they whoop and cry in delight at my endeavour
Then after the song and the weeping is over they will ask me where I am from
And I will tell them I’m from a small town that’s not far from a bigger town and ask for my shoes.
But im not going to take my whole body
Just my head
The stage manager Toby wasn’t sure at first
But when I have my lipstick on you don’t notice the lack of arms and legs as much
I’m going to sing a song about being wiser and finding myself
It will be more poignant as my body isn’t there
People gasp as I am carried onto the stage and heavy silence falls as I look out into the crowd
A nervous first breath and then I start to sing
The moustache is audible. I nod my head from side to side and raise my eyebrows.
I miss the high notes repeatedly and the song is exclusively high notes.
Falsetto tumbles down and breaks into a bassy rumble
The crowd are on my side though, they whoop and cry in delight at my endeavour
Then after the song and the weeping is over they will ask me where I am from
And I will tell them I’m from a small town that’s not far from a bigger town and ask for my shoes.
39.
I borrowed a fish tank
I got in it
Some things just feel RIGHT
Some things also feel WRONG
This felt neither.
Like I was opening a bleak chapter in my life.
Still I was stuck with it (the chapter, the tank)
There’s no water in it
Although water’s going cheap
I’d committed to stay dry
I got in it
Some things just feel RIGHT
Some things also feel WRONG
This felt neither.
Like I was opening a bleak chapter in my life.
Still I was stuck with it (the chapter, the tank)
There’s no water in it
Although water’s going cheap
I’d committed to stay dry
38. Birds
Not many people understand the language of birds
But I do
A lot of it is general chit-chat about shit
But much is sponsored by multinationals such as Nike, Johnsons Baby Oil, MR KIPLING.
Huge sponsorship deals interfering with primal evolutionary communication about migration and mating
Now yelling off rooftops about high-top trainers
Dawn choruses about Battenberg
Where is Mr. Kipling and why is he leading the dawn chorus?
Even the worms are sick of it.
But I do
A lot of it is general chit-chat about shit
But much is sponsored by multinationals such as Nike, Johnsons Baby Oil, MR KIPLING.
Huge sponsorship deals interfering with primal evolutionary communication about migration and mating
Now yelling off rooftops about high-top trainers
Dawn choruses about Battenberg
Where is Mr. Kipling and why is he leading the dawn chorus?
Even the worms are sick of it.
37.
Take off your shoe and put a note with a message inside it.
Give shoe with message inside to a stranger in the street.
Message reads: ‘CAN I HAVE MY SHOE BACK’.
Give shoe with message inside to a stranger in the street.
Message reads: ‘CAN I HAVE MY SHOE BACK’.
36.
I am writing my will.
So far I am dealing with the difficult matter of who gets the washing basket.
I don’t want to take it with me.
Dealing with the rest of the kitchen estate involves with whom to entrust the cereal packets.
I’d hate to think of my dearest family being torn apart by maize.
So far I am dealing with the difficult matter of who gets the washing basket.
I don’t want to take it with me.
Dealing with the rest of the kitchen estate involves with whom to entrust the cereal packets.
I’d hate to think of my dearest family being torn apart by maize.
35.
I would like it if everyone treated ice-cream vans with the same respect as ambulances.
Move to the side of the road and let them pass.
Their work is important.
Move to the side of the road and let them pass.
Their work is important.
34.
I always have a cold nose
Even in summer heat
Even in a hot bath
Even with my face in warm soup
Even hiding under a cow
Is the solution some kind of a nose hat?
Oh God I hope not.
Hear my prayer.
Even in summer heat
Even in a hot bath
Even with my face in warm soup
Even hiding under a cow
Is the solution some kind of a nose hat?
Oh God I hope not.
Hear my prayer.
33.
- did i ever say i miss you
- who me?
- yes. who are you again
- do you really miss me or do you miss the 20th century?
- both. i remember when things were cheaper.
- do you really miss me or are you just bored of the gym?
- i miss the past. the past is lost on me. now a loaf of bread costs arms and lower limbs.
- do you ever miss a simple carrot, a carrot?
- In my entire precious human life I have probably spent a full week missing carrots. Locking them in a stare, then shyly turning away. Scanning the room for carrots. Insulting them under my breath.
- What is eternity anyway?
- Porridge is eternal.
- Yes porridge is never ending.
- who me?
- yes. who are you again
- do you really miss me or do you miss the 20th century?
- both. i remember when things were cheaper.
- do you really miss me or are you just bored of the gym?
- i miss the past. the past is lost on me. now a loaf of bread costs arms and lower limbs.
- do you ever miss a simple carrot, a carrot?
- In my entire precious human life I have probably spent a full week missing carrots. Locking them in a stare, then shyly turning away. Scanning the room for carrots. Insulting them under my breath.
- What is eternity anyway?
- Porridge is eternal.
- Yes porridge is never ending.
32.
He was just like a horse
If I looked him in the eye
He couldn’t kiss me
If I looked him in the eye
He couldn’t kiss me
30. Beach Conversation #1
As I am foreign to you
And you are foreign to me
Please address me with the correct dialling code before you spill sounds
PLUS FOUR FOUR - por favor
But we are not on the phone.
Doesn’t matter
And you are foreign to me
Please address me with the correct dialling code before you spill sounds
PLUS FOUR FOUR - por favor
But we are not on the phone.
Doesn’t matter
29. Beach Observation #1
Tupac just got out of the water
I KNEW IT
There was no bandana
But I imagine it was in a drawer at home somewhere
I KNEW IT
There was no bandana
But I imagine it was in a drawer at home somewhere
28. The Lost Postman
It’s not what you’re thinking
This is no soul searching tale of
The bearer of good and bad news
Trying to come to terms with
Delivering his own destiny
In a world where joy and suffering
Snuggle together under the seal of
the same letter
NO
He just took a wrong turning whilst rummaging for some crisps on the back seat
This is no soul searching tale of
The bearer of good and bad news
Trying to come to terms with
Delivering his own destiny
In a world where joy and suffering
Snuggle together under the seal of
the same letter
NO
He just took a wrong turning whilst rummaging for some crisps on the back seat
27. kissing a bee's bottom
Mmmm
Furry
Have you been working out?
OUCH.
Furry
Have you been working out?
OUCH.
26. Why I don't bake cakes
wash my hands.
put my apron on.
get in the bath.
shall i run the water?
no not today.
i suppose it would make more
sense but then id get my
apron wet.
put my apron on.
get in the bath.
shall i run the water?
no not today.
i suppose it would make more
sense but then id get my
apron wet.
25.
Hi
Lots of hellos
Just letting you know that it’s okay that it didn’t work out with the Cornetto microphone,
After all you did all you could.
After and during you could.
The silky smooth ice cream just wasn’t a good transducer,
And the wafer had no clue.
Maybe you should have removed the Cornetto from its mic stand.
Who knows it is over now.
Lots of hellos
Just letting you know that it’s okay that it didn’t work out with the Cornetto microphone,
After all you did all you could.
After and during you could.
The silky smooth ice cream just wasn’t a good transducer,
And the wafer had no clue.
Maybe you should have removed the Cornetto from its mic stand.
Who knows it is over now.
24.
i have just registered myself with the National Trust as an area of outstanding natural beauty.
23.
I may look like a girl from behind
I may look like a girl from the front
I may look like a girl from a bird’s eye
I may look like a girl through a magnifying glass
I may look like a girl when I'm fighting
But inside I'm bread soaked in milk
Broken into pieces
And fed to a fucking hedgehog.
I may look like a girl from the front
I may look like a girl from a bird’s eye
I may look like a girl through a magnifying glass
I may look like a girl when I'm fighting
But inside I'm bread soaked in milk
Broken into pieces
And fed to a fucking hedgehog.
22. shut that bloody whale up
I am a whale removal specialist
If you find a whale in your home i will come and remove it for you
Regrettably can not remove whales from beach - too much paperwork
Domesticated whales only please
Cost of removal is dependent on size of whale
Only small whales considered (roughly size of a carrier bag)
You must provide carrier bag
If you find a whale in your home i will come and remove it for you
Regrettably can not remove whales from beach - too much paperwork
Domesticated whales only please
Cost of removal is dependent on size of whale
Only small whales considered (roughly size of a carrier bag)
You must provide carrier bag
21. Paper Scissors Stone
paper scissors stone
i wont leave you alone
when im paper
i wrap you up in a blanket
gift wrapped
but not for grandma
when im scissors
im skating and sliding over you
rounding off the corners
scoring shapes onto you
invisible markings
when im stone
im not going anywhere
im holding the door open
and hoping you come back again
i wont leave you alone
when im paper
i wrap you up in a blanket
gift wrapped
but not for grandma
when im scissors
im skating and sliding over you
rounding off the corners
scoring shapes onto you
invisible markings
when im stone
im not going anywhere
im holding the door open
and hoping you come back again
20. Do or Die
So im hanging on this rope ladder
Swinging through the sky
In the rescue helicopter
Get me out of here
The earth trembles with excitement
And blows a kiss to everyone
I kiss back
And apologize for not being weightless
Though one day I know I will be
But until then
I want to be light as a cornflake
Being blown across the desert
Swinging through the sky
In the rescue helicopter
Get me out of here
The earth trembles with excitement
And blows a kiss to everyone
I kiss back
And apologize for not being weightless
Though one day I know I will be
But until then
I want to be light as a cornflake
Being blown across the desert
19.
My pen just snapped in two
Is it trying to tell me something?
My keyboard just snapped in two
Is it trying to tell me something?
My cat just stubbed a cigarette out on my arm
Is she trying to tell me something?
I just punched myself in the face
You're welcome.
Is it trying to tell me something?
My keyboard just snapped in two
Is it trying to tell me something?
My cat just stubbed a cigarette out on my arm
Is she trying to tell me something?
I just punched myself in the face
You're welcome.
18.
In poetry, roses and honey are the BMWs and Mercedes and.
Your cosmetic surgery is so beautiful it inspired my loft conversion.
Your cosmetic surgery is so beautiful it inspired my loft conversion.
17.
You know when you’re not sure if you already told me that funny story
So you go ahead and tell it anyway
Thinking
I’m pretty sure I’ve not told this one to her yet
I think I told it to someone else
It’s pretty funny so I’ll take my chances
Think again
You already told me
This time ill be gracious and naively nod and laugh in the right places
But next time I will respond with pristine violence
So you go ahead and tell it anyway
Thinking
I’m pretty sure I’ve not told this one to her yet
I think I told it to someone else
It’s pretty funny so I’ll take my chances
Think again
You already told me
This time ill be gracious and naively nod and laugh in the right places
But next time I will respond with pristine violence
16.
Disco ball disco ball
Speak to me of the future
Will I ever be a dancer?
Disco ball disco ball
Give me the strength of ten horses
Roughly
Disco ball disco ball
My mum wants me to become an accountant?
1 spin for no
2 spins for yes
Speak to me of the future
Will I ever be a dancer?
Disco ball disco ball
Give me the strength of ten horses
Roughly
Disco ball disco ball
My mum wants me to become an accountant?
1 spin for no
2 spins for yes
15.
If I drew a little beard on you
Does that change anything?
How about if I drew a little penis on you?
Does that change anything?
How about if I drew a little penis on you?
14.
Had to try yoga, couldn’t avoid it any more.
It was going well
Some heavy stretching
A good bend
And leaning.
I imagined I was looking good
The teacher told us to lie down
Relax
Breath in and out
Imagine all the muscles relaxing in my feet
FINE
A bit.
Imagine my toes getting sleepy
Alright
But I’m not sure I want them sleeping without me
Then she says
Imagine I am INSIDE MY FOOT
and observe the BONE, MUSCLES AND BLOOD.
I’M NOW TRAPPED IN MY OWN FOOT.
Surrounded by bones, muscles and blood.
Fine
I start making my way up to my stomach
Might be able to get something to eat.
It was going well
Some heavy stretching
A good bend
And leaning.
I imagined I was looking good
The teacher told us to lie down
Relax
Breath in and out
Imagine all the muscles relaxing in my feet
FINE
A bit.
Imagine my toes getting sleepy
Alright
But I’m not sure I want them sleeping without me
Then she says
Imagine I am INSIDE MY FOOT
and observe the BONE, MUSCLES AND BLOOD.
I’M NOW TRAPPED IN MY OWN FOOT.
Surrounded by bones, muscles and blood.
Fine
I start making my way up to my stomach
Might be able to get something to eat.
13.
I’m a Disney version of myself
All wide eyed and colourful
Singing songs about friendship
While secretly trying to pursue a career in medicine.
All wide eyed and colourful
Singing songs about friendship
While secretly trying to pursue a career in medicine.
12. Generous Marketing
Post This After You Read This
Something Good Will Happen At 2:25 Tomorrow.
Get Ready For The Biggest Shock In Your LIFE!!
Whoever Breaks This Chain Will Be Cursed With Relationship Problems 4-10 Years.
If You Post This In 15 Mins, You’re Safe.
Something Good Might Happen Tonight At 1:11am
Something Good Will Happen At 2:25 Tomorrow.
Get Ready For The Biggest Shock In Your LIFE!!
Whoever Breaks This Chain Will Be Cursed With Relationship Problems 4-10 Years.
If You Post This In 15 Mins, You’re Safe.
Something Good Might Happen Tonight At 1:11am
11.
The mirror never tells lies.
Never never.
When it told you it was your paternal father.
It was telling the truth.
Never never.
When it told you it was your paternal father.
It was telling the truth.
10. Avalanche
It was so romantic
To be caught in an avalanche with you
Holding hands, I kicked some snow in your face.
You screamed like a girl
That was a mistake.
Then came the snow thundering down the mountain.
But it was so romantic
To be caught in an avalanche with you
As the weight of the snow threw us to the ground, face down
It was just perfect
Knowing that neither of us could move
To be caught in an avalanche with you
Holding hands, I kicked some snow in your face.
You screamed like a girl
That was a mistake.
Then came the snow thundering down the mountain.
But it was so romantic
To be caught in an avalanche with you
As the weight of the snow threw us to the ground, face down
It was just perfect
Knowing that neither of us could move
9.
Voulez vous couche avec moi ce soir?
That depends on three things...
Do you hold a full drivers licence
Are you in the Bee Gees
And did you buy any milk
Tick all three and the answers oui.
That depends on three things...
Do you hold a full drivers licence
Are you in the Bee Gees
And did you buy any milk
Tick all three and the answers oui.
8.
If you don’t know me by now
You will never never never know me
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
Who sang that again?
Ginger dog-haired minstrel.
You will never never never know me
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
Who sang that again?
Ginger dog-haired minstrel.
7.
I see a lot more of my arms than I see of my legs.
Arms I see all the time.
Legs, not so many opportunities.
Don’t know if id recognise them
in a police line-up.
Might see a bit of them in summer
like two cousins coming to stay for the holidays.
Its a bit uncomfortable having them around.
Sure we have a laugh
But I’m glad when they leave.
Arms I see all the time.
Legs, not so many opportunities.
Don’t know if id recognise them
in a police line-up.
Might see a bit of them in summer
like two cousins coming to stay for the holidays.
Its a bit uncomfortable having them around.
Sure we have a laugh
But I’m glad when they leave.
6. Origami Waterfall
Paper pretending to be water
And having the last laugh
Because water has to put in all the effort
Rushing about
Hard work, long hours.
And having the last laugh
Because water has to put in all the effort
Rushing about
Hard work, long hours.
5.
- Eat your greens.
- My duvet cover is green?
- Eat it.
- I can’t. I only had breakfast an hour ago.
- Ah. But it’s 10pm?
- I’m running late today.
- Time slipped over again?
- You could say that. Someone just did say that. You said that.
- I did.
- Okay got to go. I’m keeping watch in the garden, just in case.
- At least you have a garden. I also have one.
- My duvet cover is green?
- Eat it.
- I can’t. I only had breakfast an hour ago.
- Ah. But it’s 10pm?
- I’m running late today.
- Time slipped over again?
- You could say that. Someone just did say that. You said that.
- I did.
- Okay got to go. I’m keeping watch in the garden, just in case.
- At least you have a garden. I also have one.
4
Here we are
Just me and you
And the spoon
I put on some music
Dolly Parton
You ask me if I want to dance
‘But what about the spoon?’
‘He can dance too’
So there we are
The three of us dancing
‘Who’s that knocking at the door?’
‘POLICE’
‘Quick hide the spoon. Quick.’
2 hours later
‘That was close!’
Just me and you
And the spoon
I put on some music
Dolly Parton
You ask me if I want to dance
‘But what about the spoon?’
‘He can dance too’
So there we are
The three of us dancing
‘Who’s that knocking at the door?’
‘POLICE’
‘Quick hide the spoon. Quick.’
2 hours later
‘That was close!’
3.
My cat has noble intentions
But zero motivation.
If we were to swap places
I'd be asleep on the windowsill
And she’d be asleep on the roof
Your roof
But zero motivation.
If we were to swap places
I'd be asleep on the windowsill
And she’d be asleep on the roof
Your roof
2. Lovely song by Roberta flack
First time ever I kissed your lips
it was outside Argos
and then the bus came
You rang and told me about your dreams
I thought
you need to dream a bit bigger than Argos
having said that they can't be beaten on price.
it was outside Argos
and then the bus came
You rang and told me about your dreams
I thought
you need to dream a bit bigger than Argos
having said that they can't be beaten on price.
1.
Silence is golden
Gold is valuable
I’m in the business of silence real estate
Give me a call
I will answer and say nothing
Then you will send me cheque
Ssshhh
Gold is valuable
I’m in the business of silence real estate
Give me a call
I will answer and say nothing
Then you will send me cheque
Ssshhh